1)      Pandora  – In searching for images of the myth and the music player, I came across a pair of…basketballs?  No, those aren’t basketballs, they’re…

2)      Potter – As in “Harry Potter.”  How many kids do you think search that keyword every day?  Ten million?  Though the first result is probably PG-13, I’m pretty sure mom would be surprised by the adolescent wizard’s modeling choices? 

3)      Vegas Party – My apologies: Anything with Vegas obviously carries porn risk, but come on!  At least they could make it tasteful!  What ever happened to gambling, drinking, and dancing?!  Even an R-rated picture at a strip club would be an improvement!

4)      Second Life Club – Okay, we’ve gone over this before, but it’s getting ridiculous.  So you go to Google to find pictures of the clubs in Second Life, for which we’ve been told, ad nauseum, there are hundreds.  And this is what we get?  Need I say more?  Just searching “Second Life” isn’t much better.

5)      Bareback – What does it mean to “Ride bareback?”  To horseback ride without a saddle, correct?  Well, not at Google.  Quite an interpretation here, fellas.  Every poor child who dreams of bareback riding and finding pictures of it have to deal with this first?  Nice. 

6)      Madonna – Again, you’re asking for trouble, yes, but I didn’t know Google served up the goods so quickly!  You’d think the nude shots would at least fall on the second page.  Nope.  Not with Google.  They know what you pervs want!  How dare you search Madonna!  So you wanted a picture of her Malawi child?  You’ll get a 1979 nude spread first and like it!

7)      Atheist – So once more, my apologies.  This isn’t just porn that Google’s peddling.  I’m not even sure what to call it.  What’s the exact opposite of bestiality?

8)      Bathing Suit – It’s nearly summer.  Your daughter’s looking to sport some new gear at the beach.  She goes to Google for some options.  I know it’s softcore, but this is what she sees?  It’s not like she searched “Thong” or “Perverted Bikini Cartoon.”  She kept it G-rated.  But not Google…no, not Google…

9)      Doggy – This one is downright strange.  A deer and a dog?  Please, Google, do something about this one.  You didn’t have to take “Doggy” to the hoop so hard.  Imagine a poor 5-year-old looking for a background picture for her desktop.  Every 5-year-old I know (all 2 of them) say “doggy” not “dog.”  And this is what you give them?  Again…there isn’t a term to describe this sort of thing.  It’s not bestiality, it’s…?  And you made it the first result too?  I’m speechless…

10)  Nasty – Google’s peddling porn for this word because…why?  Must “nasty” reveal pornographic images to convey the meaning?  Delinquents up there in Mountain View, I tell ya…delinquents!

 
Scott Goldberg