1)      “Relaxed”: Why should the word “relaxed” turn up a single piece of porn?  I searched the term to find a picture of how great I felt that day, in order to email an investment banker friend the photo and remind him how we roll on the Left Coast.  You’ll see a great example of what I wanted: A guy in a yellow shirt leaning back, eyes closed, Buddha-like smile on his face, hands behind his head.  Yes, that’s what I picture when I think of “relaxed.”  But what’s with the black-and-white picture of the dude in his whities?!  And what about the cleavage shot?!  How about the nude drawing?!  Come on, Google… hold yourselves to a higher standard!

2)      “Live Nation”: This one’s particularly interesting, and one of the most…dare I say Shocking…examples of how Google goes overboard with its Pimpery.  I wrote a piece about Live Nation, the concert ticket service, and wanted a logo, but what do I get?  A woman’s “crotchal region,” as Ron Burgundy would say.  And no, not just a clothed crotchal region…that would be too PG for Google.  Instead they throw a combo political joke in with a pretty crude g-string shot, and let me tell you…I’m shocked!  Dismayed!  In the name of everything sacred, what has Google reduced itself to?!

3)      “Imitation”: Let’s see here, how shall we explain this?  In looking for images that would capture the concept of the copycat, something we see on a daily basis from the folks who constantly think to themselves “Why reinvent the wheel?” I come across the wrath of Google the Pimp yet again.  You see to Google, “imitation” is best defined by a man and a woman observing the reproductive habits of their pets…specifically their dogs…while in bed.  You can figure out the joke from there.  I think I’m going to be sick…wait…yep, I’m sick.  I just threw up in my mouth.

4)      “Hard Work”: You have to hand one to Google on the sense-of-humor front.  After all, to search the term “Hard Work” and come up with 4 images on the first page of Dubya Bush doing the absolute antithesis of Hard Work is fantastic.  In fact, there’s irony in the concept that Google would take a search term and respond with the exact opposite of your search.  Well done, Google the Pimp, that’s clever.  But I digress!  And I have a more pressing issue at hand!  What’s with the dude on the bow of the yacht with two lasses getting dangerously close to their birthday suits?!  What does that have to do with “Hard Work”???

5)      “Satisfaction”: Here’s a request to anyone with enough time to figure it out: Take a look at the black-and-white cartoon of the woman on her back and the diagram on the right of the guy on his knees looking as if he’s praying.  What that has to do with “satisfaction” is beyond me.  Please, anyone, help me out.

Scott Goldberg