1)      A white boy with cornrows.  With so many options, even one of the most uncool things imaginable is cooler than an Apple sticker on your car.  In fact just about anything is, such as…

2)      Shaking Hands with Bill Rancic, the first winner of The Apprentice.  This would land in the category of a “Wow” moment in your life, wouldn’t it?  The man who won the first Apprentice.  Really…can you think of anything cooler?  Wait, I can…

3)      A Concert by Barry Manilow in Second Life.  You’ll probably see this soon enough, because Second Life needs all the gimmicks it can handle, and believe me, a Manilow showing in Second Life would definitely grab headlines.  The place would be packed!  The media outlets would be shaking with excitement: “Manilow to Show in Second Life!” You can’t feel the excitement?  Me neither.

4)      Having your homemade porn discovered by friends and put on the internet.  Granted, depending on your side of the situation, this can be one of the funniest things to ever happen …so long as it’s your friend’s porn, not yours.  And if it’s your girl/boyfriend who cheated on you, it ranks up there as one of the most satisfying things you’ll ever do.  But if it’s your porn stash, and your pasty white butt jiggling for all the world to see…well, that’s just terribly, terribly uncool.  Still, fear not.  It’s cooler than an Apple sticker on your car.  Take that to the bank.

5)      Dark food in your teeth on a big date.  It shouldn’t be as bad as it is, but there’s no denying that even the prettiest face looks nasty with a piece of spinach blanketing a front tooth.  But imagine: You’re on a date.  She’s hot, he’s hot, whatever.  You find out he/she once had (or, even worse, currently has) an Apple sticker on their car.  Then you suffer the embarrassment of a poppy seed between your front teeth, unbeknown to you since bread time, and now it’s dessert.  You discover this and curse a higher power for the misfortune when you’re washing your hands in the bathroom.  But fear not!  Remember: You’re with a person who thinks an Apple sticker on their car is cool.  That food in your teeth could never come close.  Play on player.

6)      Taking the time to write an article about 10 things that are cooler than having an Apple sticker on your car.  This, in fact, might be the third lamest thing you could do (see #10 for the second).  Who would really take the time to put valuable man hours into such a meaningless topic?  I mean, who do you think you are, saying what’s uncool about an Apple sticker on a car?  Seriously!  You must have a lot of insecurities in your life, buddy…

7)      Finding out the dancers for your friend’s bachelor party didn’t bring music, and the only tunes you can supply at that moment are Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits.  When the song Father & Son plays the scene would rank right up there for everyone involved as one of the most surreal, depressing moments of their lives.  The most depressing song ever written combined with the most depressing profession.  What’s worse than that?  Not even the Best Man, who gave everyone $250 in singles, can make up for it. 

8)      Sending the wrong email to the wrong person.  You’re about to close a big deal with Vandalay Industries.  You’re pumped.  So pumped that you want your boss to know how sweet you are.  So you write him or her an email with the subject line “We’ve got ‘em nailed!” and the body, “Vandalay is in our crosshairs, Captain, prepare the launch sequence.”  Then you get an email back from your contact at Vandalay that says, “I’m pretty sure we weren’t supposed to get this email.” Deal’s finished.  Maybe your job too.  Fear not…you don’t have an Apple sticker on your car. 

9)      Finding out an employee was fired yesterday from the Taco Bell you frequent for urinating in the beef supply.  Not only is this one of the uncoolest things that could happen to you on any given day of your life, it’s one of the best ways to test the sensitivity of your gag reflex.  You literally might throw up instantaneously upon hearing the news. 

10)  Getting legitimately agitated and writing hate mail to a person who published a story about ten things cooler than having an Apple sticker on your car.  It’s debatable whether this is actually worse than having an Apple sticker on your car, because the act of writing hate mail over something so trivial, combined with the fact that hate mail would reveal you to the world as a person with an Apple sticker on your car is the double whammy.  But I’ll be the final judge here and say that it’s still second in uncoolness to actually having an Apple sticker on your car, because we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that writing such hate mail does not guarantee you actually have an Apple sticker on your car.  You definitely might, though.  I’d say it’s 99% possible.  But like I said, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.  Still, you’re playing with fire.  Be careful.  And if it turns out you legitimately do not have an Apple sticker on your car, your name is probably Bill Rancic.

Scott Goldberg