Lauren Conrad's Announcement a Dud on “Finale” of The Hills

Authored by Scott Goldberg on December 10, 2007 - 8:13pm.

Nausea overcomes me heading into the season finale of The Hills. Today I read that Lauren Conrad doesn’t understand the popularity of the show, telling Entertainment Weekly, “People are just obsessed with other people’s lives. I don’t know whether it’s kind of a way to escape their own, or something to follow.” And here we are, the Royal We, preparing to review the show’s Season Three finale. What has MTV scripted for us tonight?

I guess I’m just obsessed with these actors’ lives, my apologies. Here we go…

The big story leading into the finale is Conrad’s “big announcement.” You can bet one thing: Whatever she has to say, it’s going to be boring. You’ll say, “That’s what we were waiting for?” But look, we’re just obsessed with her life, so we’ll pay attention anyway. I haven’t blinked in an hour, in fact, just waiting for the announcement.

Also, make note for the rest of the review: I won’t address Spencer by either his real name or the dozen nicknames. Heretofore he will be called “The Billionaire,” which is what he says he will be by 30. Watching The Hills is easier on my headaches when I think of him as “The Billionaire.” I don’t know why, it just is. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what he does for a living. He just seems to hang out on the couch in black t-shirts and make socially awkward comments to his girlfriend. Yet within the next 5 years he will be a billionaire. Incredible. God bless America.

Speaking of The Billionaire, my favorite moment of the season was the end of Heidi’s 21st birthday dinner. After dessert, Heidi is trying to think of something to say, ignored as she is by The Billionaire, who is busy texting away on his phone with a look that says, “I’m so f-ing addicted to Tetris.”

But it’s tough to top Justin Bobby’s look on any date with Audrina Patridge. Mr. Bobby wears an expression of utter annoyance whenever Audrina talks. If she were not an actress on an MTV show called The Hills, Mr. Bobby would rather be dealing pot in Long Beach than share even so much as a doughnut and coffee with Patridge. But thanks to MTV, the Real Life Edward Scissorhands and Audrina Patridge are actually something worth watching.

Wait, I must observe: MTV kept cutting to the red carpet show, with 1,000 screaming girls (one of which was the male host in the Pee Wee Herman costume whose name I somehow skipped and don’t care much to look up). Speaking of the red carpet show, Brody Jenner showing up in a ski hat and suit is the winner of 2007’s Unintentional Comedy Award. Nothing else needs to be said.

HOWEVER…There is no doubt that I, sitting here writing about Brody Jenner’s ski hat-suit combo, have come dangerously close to winning 2007’s Biggest Tool Award. Oh, man. I’m going to need a vodka tonic to get through the rest of this thing. I’m dizzy. I feel like Ryan Seacrest, Wayne Newton, and The Billionaire wrapped up in one. To my family: I apologize.

Another random observation: The invention of TiVo was made for shows like The Hills. Nothing in the history of television requires more fast-forwarding. Especially any scene involving Heidi and The Billionaire. Thank you, TiVo engineers.

An educational moment at the Red Carpet show: We were treated to an excellent illustration of Red Carpet Pros vs. Pretenders. Any cast member of The Hills falls in the latter. You watch enough award shows like the Oscars, Golden Globes, etc, and you take the demeanor of the Pros – the Brangelina’s and J-Lo’s of the world – for granted. But after a night watching one dry-mouthed, awkward, uncomfortable red carpet walk after the next, you really see how Red Carpet Skeellz are a big part of the Celebrity Experience.

A realization: Justin Bobby is either homeless or a heroine addict. Or both. He makes Courtney Love look like Mr. Rogers. And for all of this, I am thankful. Because Justin Bobby is the best thing on The Hills. Believe that.

And the scene where Audrina leaves with him after he kisses another girl at Opera is simply PHENOMENAL TELEVISION. If I’m a striking writer I’m worried after watching that scene, because Justin Bobby and his homeless self are the future of TV.
I’ll watch him on 10 shows a year for the rest of my life. He’s THAT good.

After my first (and last) Hills marathon, I hope someone makes a YouTube mashup of the show, changing nothing but the soundtrack. I’d like to see a completely different musical lineup, going for the most unexpected tunes. A controversial conversation between Heidi and The Billionaire set to Kenny Rogers. A swank dinner scene at a trendy Hollywood joint set to NWA’s “F*ck the Police.” The sky’s the limit.

I’ve managed to take enough cocktails that I arrived at “Lauren’s Big Announcement” with a sliver of my pride in tact. And honestly, I can’t wait: Is this her last season of the show? Is she engaged to Brody? Is she PREGNANT?!

But here’s what I watched three hours of television tonight to find out: The season isn’t finished, said Lauren, we’re going to continue with the show.

Oh man…

Oh…man…

Other coverage of the show:

The Reality of Lauren Conrad’s Real Life in The Hills

Audrina says The Hills is Real

'The Hills' Caught in a Lie with Heidi & Spencer at LAX